Health

How Excellent Is President Trump’s Health? The Most Excellent Of Course

“The president’s overall health is excellent,” crowed Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson, the doctor who gave Donald Trump his physical. In describing his patient, he used the word “excellent” eight times. He is in the “excellent range,” and his “overall health is excellent.”

Cue Mr. Burns tenting his fingers.

Having a healthy president is, well, excellent, but it’s difficult to reconcile the glowing reports with what is visible to anyone who can see the guy. Trump is a 71-year-old man who doesn’t exercise and has terrible eating habits, and he’s – coincidentally – right on the line between overweight and obese. He also takes cholesterol-lowering medication. When all this was brought to the attention of Dr. Jackson with the observation that this suggests possible heart disease, Jackson countered that the president’s heart is “in the excellent category.”

So there.

Jackson is not stingy with his superlatives. When Trump’s health isn’t “excellent,” it’s “incredible,” or at least “very, very good.” It seems the patient’s penchant for hyperbole is contagious and has spread to the physician. And the statement released by Jackson announcing all the ways that Trump is excellent was signed by “Dr. Ronnie Jackson,” who is either a different doctor or is Dr. Ronny Jackson misspelling his own first name.

President Trump’s health is as excellent as the White House says it is

Let’s be frank: Jackson’s presentation has Trump’s fingerprints all over it.

All the excellence can’t hide the hard non-alternative facts that came out of this physical, one of them being that Trump’s  LDL cholesterol level is at 141, even though he takes ten milligrams of Crestor, a powerful cholesterol-lowering medication designed to get those levels under 100. If Trump is at 141 even while on medication, that’s whatever the opposite of excellent is.

The president also underwent a cognitive test in which he scored a 30 out of 30. Excellent, right? That means he’s “mentally very, very sharp; very intact,” according to Jackson. (How can someone be “very intact?”) The test is available online, and it’s pretty namby-pamby. It’s not an IQ test or a test of knowledge – it requires you to do things like draw a clock and repeat back simple sentences that are read to you. It takes about ten minutes overall, and just about all it tells you is that the person taking it is not in a coma. But if you ace it, as most non-drooling primates can, that apparently proves that you, too, are very intact.

Perhaps I’m being too cynical here. Perhaps Jackson sycophantic diagnosis is entirely justified, LDL levels be damned. But it’s hard to escape the conclusion that Ronny/Ronnie is the medical equivalent of Baghdad Bob, who kept telling reporters that Saddam was driving away the infidels even as the Iraqi army was being decimated.

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